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Swami Suddhananda |
I met a young man in a business school. After the first encounter,
he became very close to me and poured his heart out.
He was a young man in love! He ‘thinks’ the girl loves him but
does not say so in so many words. He has sent her e-mails wishing her
best in her exams and the mails are acknowledged and the wishes
reciprocated. But the boy is still in doubt whether she loves him or
not.
It can be the story of a girl too. It can be the story of a grown
up man or woman. In fact, it can be anybody’s story and the whole
world is full of such emotions. There is absolutely nothing new in
it. But for each person who is facing such a situation at this
moment, for him or her it is very fresh, new and the path ahead is
unknown, unchartered.
Can anybody create a chart of the path? As even nobody can teach
‘how to’ fall in love, nobody can teach how to feel the love and then
to negotiate your ways around. But we can attempt.
In love or hatred, we always attempt to
understand others’ minds. For the lover, the beloved is always a
mystery and vice versa. Though that is how all will make a
beginning, sooner the realities are understood the better. As even
in a traffic, it is important to know how to control one’s car, so
also in the lives of emotional traffic, one must be in full command
of one’s mind or emotions in the first place. While driving on the
highway, we may drive our cars, but we are also conscious of others’
movements, speed or any hint of erratic behaviour. It is one thing
to be conscious, to recognise, appreciate others’ vehicles driving,
etc., but it is quite another thing to lose control of one’s own
vehicle while approaching the other. If you do not know how to
approach, not only you lose control of your own vehicle but also you
may end up in destroying the other beautiful vehicle and causing a
huge pile up!
“The boy loves a girl, the girl loves a boy” is
different from “the boy lusts for a girl and the girl lusts for a
boy”. In the prime of youth, in the teen ages, a boy or girl does not
know what ‘love’ is and therefore usually ‘falls’ in love! Because at
that stage, the initial curiosity, the mutual attraction because of
the looks, dress, hair style, shape of a body or even a talent can be
good enough reason to feel drawn towards somebody. Since all these
are constantly changing factors, there is a constant fear of not
being loved any more. But until the first accident everybody promises
undying love!
Most of these emotions are pure infatuations and
they last as long as they last. Somebody can be in the heavens or in
hell for exactly the same reason – call it love or infatuation!
You can call it heaven if you keep that
infatuation or attraction within yourself without letting the other
to know about it and letting the time to take care of attraction. Or,
a heaven of pure bliss it is if the love is expressed and
reciprocated. At that time, one need not worry about all the
possibilities occurring much ahead in time. If you look too much
ahead in time, the so-called love may lose its shine!
You can call it hell, if you want the other to
know about it, but you do not know how to go about it. Or it is worse
if you say in so many words and the other does not respond or even is
surprised. If you continue to dwell on it, the hell seems never
ending!
Those who are yet to feel an attraction or choose
not to dwell upon the attraction or choose not to tell it to the
other person even when attracted are in a safe course. They are in
their vehicles in their own lanes and do not entertain the idea of
even looking at other lanes or vehicles. Theirs shall be a smooth
journey except when to deal with their own vehicles or to face bumps,
potholes or detours put up by society in general.
There shall be yet others who forget their own
vehicles attempting to own and control others’ vehicles on the
highway. The person does not know his own body and/or the mind, but
he/she is bent upon possessing others’ bodies and minds. They are the
rash drivers who cause a hell of a confusion in their lives as well
as in the lives of many. They are so much in love with themselves –
so self-opinionated, self-righteous, arrogant and consider themselves
as gifts of God to others – that they forget that they are causing
troubles for themselves and for others.
Then there will be some who are conscious,
considerate and conscientious. They wish to love but are afraid of
getting hurt. Or still matured is one who shall not either hurt or
get hurt in a love relationship.
We can thus make now four groups of lovers:
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Those who hurt themselves and hurt others.
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Those who hurt themselves but love others
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Those who love themselves and hurt others and
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Those who love themselves and love others
May be, two more extremes we can have
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Those who are ignorant, insecure and may always
hate themselves.
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Those who are awakened and totally in love with
themselves.
In fact, if we look deep into ourselves we shall
see that all these dire possibilities are inherent in all the human
beings. Everybody begins with total ignorance of himself and the
world around. Slowly, he starts knowing about the world around. As
the knowledge of the world around through sensations and sense
perception abound, the individual, instead of knowing himself, picks
up an identity as the knower of all perceptions. Thus ‘I’ starts as
the prisoner of the knowledge accumulated. And that prisoner begins
the love affair with the thoughts and sensations extending it to
people and the non-living world. He loves himself when the directed
thought reaches the target, but is disappointed when the world does
not match the thought or the thoughts.
Thus begins his love affair with his own thoughts
and others around become the pawns of his own game. But he does not
feel like a giant playing with the pawns as he himself, the ‘I’, is
the most helpless person in his own hand that owes its life to the
ignorance of ‘I’, the Self.
How can this ‘I’, ignorant, insecure, unaware of
itself ever love anybody or anything? It always ‘falls’ in love and
rises again to fall again in so-called love – until it is exhausted,
frustrated and helplessly gives up the pursuit. Or finds somebody
equally frustrated to pair up to share the same destiny. The
destitutes in love unite to create the most formidable pair of
selfishness in the name of living for one another when in their heart
of hearts they know it is a relationship of convenience with no trace
of love anywhere near.
This is the worst pair where the hatred for
themselves and the hatred for others become the common bond. Those
who never loved themselves and therefore never loved others have now
announced their love for each other! The deception goes full circle.
But before this stage, there are the possibilities
of the ‘I’, the individual who identifies with the collective
thoughts, to feel attracted to any single thought and thereby the
object of that thought. Since that gives him the relief from that
tormented, limited personality, the individual ‘I’, he will profess
total love to that object of the thought. That object can be a living
entity or a non-living thing. Most people find it convenient to love
non-living things or living things without any individuality like
animals or children as that does not expose them to any challenge.
They can drop a non-living thing or keep away from an animal or even
a child, but an adult with a sense of individuality, ‘I’, will
challenge any desertion or negligence. Therefore, we can see that
millions love pets, riches or even nature, but another human being
ceases to be a pet.
All because the individual has not yet discovered
‘the love’ within himself, to love himself as he is, and thereafter
his thoughts, his body and the universe around as they are!
How does a man love something or somebody when
he/she does not love himself/herself as he is or as she is? Until he
discovers that, his so-called love shall be another name for
manipulation, exploitation, cunning and deception. As a result, he
will be hurting himself and hurting others. Many hurt themselves to
love others but that will not be appreciated by others if they are
sensitive not to see any suffering at their cost. They can be also
selfish in loving themselves and hurting others around.
But the rarest and the most beautiful is the one
who is in total love with himself and loves others for who they are
as he loves himself for who he ‘is’ and, therefore, loves all that he
‘has’ and others have.
Such people may love others, but surprisingly even
to be loved or allow yourself to be loved, you must be already in
love with yourself. Or else, the person will look for a motive or
suspect the innocence, straightforwardness. If the person is not in
love with himself, because he is unaware of himself, then he may feel
challenged when somebody wants him to love himself in order to love
others. Such ignorant people may even be violent as they think that
they have facilitated others’ love towards them but never got
anything in return. They imagine that they are ‘giving’ love or
‘sharing’ love when in reality, their begging bowl of love is a
bottomless one where millions will vanish and they shall never find
fulfilment.
Then what is this love? There seems to be
manipulations and more manipulations at all levels from all sides.
Sometimes, the victor is the victim and sometimes the victim is the
victor. The game seems to be full of defeats and agonising cries. The
victors rejoice for a moment before they are drowned by their own
desperation that what they possessed was the result of a manipulation
and not a spontaneous, natural, effortless sharing or surrender to
love. In their victory is their worst defeat. A defeat is a defeat
when you are already grounded. But when the victory becomes a defeat
you fall from the sky and no ground can hold you.
Therefore, before entering into this game, like in
any other game, we must know the rules. In this game, rule No. 1 is
“Know the player” – not the opponents or comrades, but your own Self.
In other games, too, that knowledge is necessary or else a football,
running, jumping, swimming, cricket or tennis becomes the war of
people or nations. In the game of love there are no fixed boundaries,
no nets, no bats, no balls, no oars, no ropes. And, most importantly,
no umpires to point out the mistake.
Imagine the danger in a game where the player and
the umpire are one and the same! If the umpire is right, the love
game can be most enjoyable, if the umpire is crazy, the game can be
most dangerous. There are no hooligans other than you to invade the
field, there is no traffic other than you to cause a jam within.
A person has to be a referee and the player. There
shall be hundreds of roles to be played, but the versatile referee is
adept in all the games. He knows how to guide in the game of love,
war, relationships, administration and in the ultimate living and
dying. The players must know the referee. The orchestra must
recognise the conductor.
So, the ‘I’ who plays so many games through so
many roles, must know the rules, but most importantly must know
himself who is going to play the games. The delightful and liberating
surprise is that the knowledge, the awareness of the meaning of the
word ‘I’ itself is the universal law, the universal referee, the
umpire or the conductor that shall guide all the roles.
Let us see that in ‘Love’.
Everybody says that they all love something or the
other. And they are ready to sacrifice their lives even for that.
Nothing is farther from the truth!!!
The truth is everybody loves himself. Hang on!
Even this statement will offend millions who are constantly fed with
the diet of ‘love all’ and that ‘all’ does not include the ‘I’! The
‘I’ must love all but to love one’s own Self is selfish! We have been
fed with the ideas that we must burn like candles to bring lights to
many! And thereby impose a guilt on others that we have sacrificed
ourselves for other’s sake! How profoundly selfless! That is the most
selfish kind of act. What is selfless is instead of burning like a
candle and giving light into others, make each of the person a light
unto themselves! In fact, we don’t have even to ‘light up’ a candle
as everybody is already enlightened but only are closing the eyes.
The person has just to be made aware that he is all awareness, all
light!
Anyway, if we analyse and are honest, we shall see
that we love somebody or something because that somebody or something
gives ‘us’ joy or happiness. The moment they cease to give us the
joy, we cease to love or care for them too. That love includes even
our so-called ‘love’ for God. When not happy, one changes one’s God,
gurus and religions as one changes one’s car or spouse. If somebody
desperately holds unto ‘a’ ‘God’ in any particular form or ‘formless’
in the name of love, what it means is that somebody is really
desperate to have that form or formless as ‘his’ security! If God or
anything or anybody is your security, you are desperately insecure.
Same principle in love too. If there is a ‘reason’ for love, then one
loves the ‘reason’ more than the person or the thing! By depending
nobody has become independent. By using the love or relationship to
be happy or free, nobody can be happy as that love has a ‘reason’!
When ‘I’ says, “I love you”, what it means is,
“you give ‘me’ happiness”. Therefore, when either ‘I’ become unhappy
or you no more give me happiness or security, I will drop you or walk
out of your life.
Thus always there is a ‘reason’ for the love that
the average man espouses. That means, the individual ‘I’ loves
something because that something or somebody gives him happiness or
comfort.
Let us see what is unhappiness or discomfort!
Though we can talk of discomforts at the physical level, it is always
the thoughts that make one aware of the discomfort. Usually when we
say we are comfortable with something or somebody, it means that ‘a’
thought of that something or somebody is nagging us constantly
within. That there is a thing outside is not a problem, but the
thought within haunts us. Extending further, we can see that it is
not a problem just because there is a thought, but because ‘I’ feels
uncomfortable with it. Therefore ‘I’ does not have a ‘cause’ for
unhappiness, but itself is unhappiness.
In the moments of so called love, happiness, the
‘I’ gets suspended when the thought of the object and the object of
the thought match in the presence of the body. What therefore gives
happiness is apparently the suspension of the ‘I’, but that exactly
is the crucial mistake we commit. The suspension or the disappearance
of thought takes away the unhappiness or nagging discomfort. But the
positive happiness comes from one’s own Self – the Consciousness,
which is not a name, a thought or a thing. Whoever or whatever lead
me to myself, I say ‘I love that’ – not knowing, that I love that
because I love myself! The person or the thing helps in the fading
away of the thought temporarily, if the ‘I’ does not recognise itself
as Awareness. At that moment, the ‘I’ will try to repeat the
experience and soon can become tired of the experience.
Thus, when ‘I’ says that it loves the objects or
people what it really means is it/she/he loves itself/herself/himself
– all one and the same.
When thus one recognises that one is the source of
the love, happiness and therefore freedom, immortality and absolute
security, then one’s own thoughts and the body are bathed with that
love as even the whole living and non-living universe is touched by
that loving Existence! In fact, there is nobody to love anything
except that the love, the ‘I’, existence, the Immortality alone ‘is’!
After that the true love affair with the universe
begins. As even I love myself for who I am and all that I have, I
love everything for what everything is or has. Who I am and what
everything ‘is’, is one and the same. What I have my thoughts, my
body – are beautiful instruments to experience this universe as much
as everything in this universe is there to experience my thoughts and
my body.
Such a person alone can love for love’s sake.
Neither he feels threatened or threatens anybody. He is never hurt
but he is conscious of not hurting anybody. Such a person while
attempting to show somebody the source of the true love – one’s own
Self – may frighten the uninitiated, because, the ignorant feels
precious not because who he ‘is’, but because of what he has.
When he/she shares his/her valuable possession –
riches, body or the thoughts – he/she thinks that he/she has
sacrificed everything that he/she is. Such people find it difficult,
not impossible, to understand that what they ‘have’ is not who they
‘are’. That is why they feel let down. Once they feel let down, their
so-called love turns to debilitating hatred and the person may be
wounded for the rest of his life.
The individuality ‘I’ engages in the love game and
stipulates its own rules according to its likes and dislikes. Nobody
can ever enjoy a relationship with such a person as such a person is
more like a spider with a wide net of riches, body, beauty, youth,
power, position or even humility, poverty, faked innocence and
helplessness. Unless, the person is very aware, he/she can easily
lose himself/herself in such a net to be lost forever.
Ignorance makes everybody a spider and people walk
into each other’s net only to be enslaved or to be devoured. Rarely
shall we see people allowing others to walk into their lives and if
others are apparently caught or stuck, they cut off their own nets to
release them to freedom! Not many can enjoy relationship on equal
terms as not many are aware of the Absolute Equality at the
innermost, and hence, the outermost level reaching all levels in
between.
Therefore, to love somebody or to love something
for its own sake, one must learn to love one’s own Self for one’s own
sake. There, one does not love, but is the ‘love’ itself where there
is no second thing existing to be loved or to be hated. That is the
ultimate one has ‘to be’, no matter where one begins in the relative
world of identities. Thereafter, there is no ‘falling’ or ‘rising’ in
love as one is always on level ground.
One has, therefore, to see where exactly one
exists. Nobody must feel condemned to one place as all the
possibilities exist in all the people and it depends upon one’s
willingness to grow out of it. Self-knowledge, the total
Self-awareness is the way. The way in is the way out. Be the love to
be in love at all places and all times – in life and the death,
through all changes!
Swami Suddhananda
Samvit Sagar Trust
Tiruvannamalai
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